Little by Little…
“Little by little the bird builds it’s nest, Little by little the sun goes to rest, little by little the waves in their glee, smooth the rough rocks by the shores of the sea” ~ Poem from my Grandfathers childhood
When I started my daily yoga practice in November of 2012, my single goal was to increase my flexibility. Having participated in multiple triathlons, marathons and cycling tours over a number of years, I had managed to substantially shorten and tighten a lot of my muscle groups. My ham strings had been so significantly shortened that I could barely get my hands past my knees in a forward fold!
Patience was not a virtue that I possessed so I chose to practice Bikram yoga. For those of you unfamiliar with Bikram, it is a brand of yoga practiced in a room at 40 degrees Celsius with 100% humidity. The heat and humidity allows for deeper stretching whilst the practitioner sweats profusely from start to finish. I decided this would be my quickest route to flexibility.
I pushed myself aggressively into every posture during every class. I was dedicated, so much so that I would search for Bikram studios in the cities I was visiting as part of my traveling sales job. I was lucky to have the opportunity to practice in studios in Dubai, Cologne and London. I practiced in my hotel room in other cities when a studio could not be found or time was not permitting.
Within six weeks of starting, I had both hands on the floor in forward fold. Within four months, I had lost eight kilos in weight and was  addicted to my new sport.
Prior to starting, I was happy with my body and my weight. Surprisingly, the changes to my shape which made me look significantly more toned and slim did not make me happier instead having the opposite effect.
I began to examine every sinew of my body through a magnifying lens. I grew less confident and more insecure as the months were passing. My initial improvement in flexibility ground to a halt even though I was practicing aggressively on a daily basis.
One Thursday evening, the class at the studio was Ashtanga instead of Bikram. I really enjoyed trying some new postures and was excited to have the opportunity to try a headstand at the end of class. I failed at the headstand but went home with steadfast determination to conquer this impossible pose.
With the help of a Kino MacGregor video on YouTube, I taught myself how to do a headstand within a week of trying. I cut back on Bikram and started to attend other yoga classes of Ashtanga or Hatha flow.
I repeatedly listened to yoga instructors telling me that I was pushing too hard and that I needed to relax into the posture in order to progress. “Be firm but soft!”… I just assumed these instructors didn’t know what they were talking about. “No pain no gain” – that was my thinking!
My practice was still completely a physical exercise and even though I did feel calmer following my classes, I was missing the real essence of yoga practice.
One of the first yoga sutras refers to non violence. The first person with whom you should practice non violence is with yourself. On the yoga mat, you will face many challenges and every practice gives you opportunity to grow and evolve. When I woke up to the reality that I was being aggressive with myself, it was quite a shock. My yoga practice was a perfect example of self abuse.
Once you wake up to reality, you are presented with a beautiful opportunity to be present and mindful. What happens on the mat tends to reflect what happens off the mat. In practicing to be gentle and compassionate with yourself during your practice, you open the door to being gentle and compassionate with yourself off the mat.
I tried SUP yoga early in the summer. This involves paddling out into deep water on a stand-up paddle board and practicing yoga. On the SUP board, you have no choice but to be gentle with yourself as any forcing into postures results in an unplanned swim!
Following my SUP experience, I began practicing on my mat with a softness I didn’t realise I was capable of. I allowed myself to relax into postures whilst still holding firm in the parts of my body that were supporting me. “Dropping in” to my body gave me a heightened awareness of where I held tension. I began to breathe into the areas where I felt tension whilst being mindful to relax those areas. It was relaxing into postures that allowed me to make it to full split which was quite an achievement as I couldn’t even do splits as a child.
I am still in the very early days of what I hope will be a life long practice. Little by little I am seeing the changes as my hips slowly open and flexibility improves. I am also opening up in other ways, not just physically, like a flower slowly blossoming in the morning sunshine. I am committed to myself and little by little I will learn.
What little things are you doing for yourself today? Can you make some small changes to allow yourself to move closer to your fullest potential?
Denise, Was this poem from Granda? I wouldn’t be surprised. He’s a whole life of Oprah moments rolled into one. Keep going – you’re doing great. Love Lisa
Yes Lisa, This was one from Granda… it will ring in my ears until the end of my days!
Wonderful article about self-awareness. Like so much in life, we move through the motions without the awareness of appreciating the moment for what it is. Thank you for sharing such an insightful article on your experience through yoga practice. I have started my journey and like you I hope it’s a lifetime commitment. Meditation is something that grounds me and helps me connect to my authentic self. xx
Thank you for reading Nancy. I hope your practice brings as much to your life as mine has to me xx
I just started reading your blog and website after having read your article today on Tiny Buddha. It is amazing how much your experience echoes my own. The perfectionism, being driven, being violent towards oneself without, for a long time, knowing it. I used to thing yoga was a “sissy” thing for people too lazy for “real” exercise. I am glad I was lead past my ignorance enough to get into it and then begin to understand it on many levels, the benefits for all of life, and what a metaphor it is for life, everyday living. Your poem, or your grampa’s poem at the beginning really captured my attention. “….the waves in their glee, smooth the rough rocks by the shores of the sea.” This resonates with me in a way I’m not entirely sure of yet. But vaguely, I am comforted by it. It encompasses patience, faith in a process that is revealed to us and made step by step, sometimes infinitesimally so small as to go unnoticed consciously. Also that this process can be seen as what the whole of life is, and if we understand this consciously it is possible to undertake it “in our glee.” However you see it, fortunately or unfortunately, it seems my ego still has me by the balls so to speak and I am lately succumbing to it despite wanting to be free of it. It seems I am a slow learner. I think I am still afraid of what needs to happen, full facing of the fears, the pain, the truth. Even while knowing it is quite possible that what I fear the most is ironically what I really long for (peace, Self love, freedom from my bullshit ego identity and conditionings, bla, bla) : self responsibility, the freedom of that. I want to be excited by that, by life, anything, again! Not fear it, dread it, run from it, hide from it! I know life will flow as it will, with or without my conscious participation. I guess, I still lack trust in my ability to consciously participate. I’m glad I found you, and your writing. ~Kerri
Kerri, Thanks for taking the time to write this comment. We are all on a journey and the differences between our journeys is the same! Back in February when I jumped into the icy cold water of Carlingford to try to face my fears, I wrote something which I feel is very relevant here. “Life cannot progress when you stand in a place of fear. In order to truly move on, you have to let go. As you stand on the edge, you are standing by the line between that which you accept and that which you deserve. It’s all too easy to stay there, feeling that you are safe and things will be ok. Nothing is certain. Everything is subject to change. Don’t just play it safe… Step over that line! Strive forward and get what you truly deserve. Take a leap of faith into the uncertainty and fluidity that is your future and prove to yourself that no fear is greater than the strength within.” It was in stepping over the edge into the ice cold water that symbolised the commitment to myself. I took the decision to look my fears in the eye. It was not easy but it was worth it! My life is now flowing, allowing me to glide, moment to moment through the ups and downs that make up my days. Connect to your breath and look deep within. You will surprise yourself when you see the strength that is hidden there. Everything you need is right there inside you, in abundance. You just have to let go. You will still see fear when it comes but you will just laugh in its face! I wish you love, light and happiness 🙂